


starry night

by dreamults



Series: the moon & the stars [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Na Jaemin-centric, Team as Family, ghost!jaemin, ot18
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-05
Updated: 2018-05-05
Packaged: 2019-05-02 14:46:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14547030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamults/pseuds/dreamults
Summary: mark thinks that no star shines brighter than the seven boys on the roof that night.





	starry night

when mark was a trainee, he remembers watching stars fall on the roof of the company building with the other trainees. he remembers cuddling into taeyong's side on one particular night, when the elder trainees had insisted they stay on the roof just a little bit longer. he remembers watching johnny and taeil talk as they stared at the constellations, fingers trailing the air as if they were tracing the stars. he remembers how they'd always have at least a week or two off in the middle of august for a reason none of the newer kids knew.

 

actually, mark remembers a lot of things from his trainee days. but, not once does he recall hearing about a na jaemin.

 

"wait, what?" mark spins his head around to face their newest trainee.

 

jaemin smiles, big doe eyes staring at mark as the elder furrows his eyebrows. jaemin hasn't been introduced to anyone yet, mark knows, because he's new and they've been busy preparing for their comeback so they haven't had chance to meet any of the new trainees yet. but mark was wandering the hallways again, lost in his thoughts, when he spotted jaemin leaning against the wall opposite the practice room that mark was supposed to be in.

 

they're on the roof now, jaemin with a small bottle of banana milk and mark with a box of pepero he'd stole from jisung and chenle's snack box hidden under their bed.

 

"i said," jaemin sighs, "i was a trainee here a while back."

 

mark blinks, slowly biting into his pepero stick. "oh, really? why'd you leave?"

 

jaemin shrugs, taking a small sip of his banana milk. "hmm," he leans back, head tilting to look up at the sky. "i had an injury a while back and my parents pulled me out. i would've liked to stay but, you know, there's not much point in training if the doctor tells you that you can't dance."

 

mark hums sympathetically, "why did you come back?"

 

jaemin smiles, turning his head back to the elder. mark cocks his head to the side in confusion as an answer to jaemin's silence.

 

"there's no reason," he says, "i just wanted to meet my hyung."

 

mark's about to speak again but then his ringtone is blasting out of his phone at full volume and he's struggling to answer the call as jaemin laughs in the background. it's his manager, telling him that practice for black on black is starting soon and mark stands, bowing apologetically to the younger as he bids his goodbyes.

 

mark is preoccupied in the dance room, mind filled with thoughts of banana milk and melodic laughs.

 

* * *

 

when mark meets jaemin again, it's nearly ten and it's at the convenience store near the sm building. mark's exhausted and they'd only just been let out of practice but jisung and donghyuck had dragged him out to buy ramyeon for themselves and for the hyungs for the nth time this week.

 

"listen," jisung says, "if there's a fruit called a grape then why is there another fruit called a grapefruit? it doesn't make sense."

 

"jisung, look. i love you but can you please shut up?" donghyuck whines, thrusting more ramyeon packets into mark's already loaded arms. the elder just groans in agreement.

 

"that's a lot of ramyeon you got there." 

 

mark jumps in surprise, nearly dropping all of the noodle packets. he spins around slowly, eyes meeting those of a younger boy sipping at another banana milk bottle.

 

"jaemin?"

 

jaemin smiles and nods his head to the two staring confusedly at him. "mark," he greets before turning his attention to the other two, "you must be jisung and donghyuck. i'm noh jaemin."

 

and the four fit together like puzzles, chatting until jisung's nearly collapsing from exhaustion. they're sat outside of the convenience store, three cups of finished ramyeon and one seemingly never-ending bottle of banana milk in front of them.

 

"we should get going soon," donghyuck says tiredly, stretching like a lethargic cat. "we have practice again tomorrow."

 

jaemin smiles understandingly, standing up. "sure, it's been a pleasure meeting you guys."

 

he's the only one who seems unaffected by the lateness of the night, collecting all the rubbish and dispelling it into the nearby bin.

 

"i'll see you guys soon, yeah?" jaemin asks, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his bright orange hoodie.

 

mark nods, supporting jisung as the maknae plops onto his side. donghyuck picks up the bags of ramyeon and smiles at his new same-aged friend.

 

there's a moment of silence between the four of them, mark trying to supports his weight and jisung's weight and donghyuck trying to balance three full bags on one hand. the cold breeze hits them, ruffling jaemin's brunet locks as his pulls his hood onto his head.

 

they bid goodbye and jaemin disappears into the fog of the night.

 

* * *

 

when they're at practice the next day with the rest of dream, donghyuck asks when they'll meet jaemin again and mark is bombarded with pleas and begging from jisung and chenle, who's more excited of meeting someone he's never met before than actually focusing on practice.

 

* * *

 

they're at practice again a week later when jisung slams the door open, barreling through with the brightest shine in his eyes. behind him, a brunet walks in with a milk bottle in his hand, wearing the same bright orange hoodie they'd seen him wear every other time.

 

chenle screams in excitement at the entrance of a new person. he breaks formation quickly and runs to the duo at the door, jaemin narrowly dodging a tight hug from the younger.

 

ignoring chenle's whining and pouting about the lack of human contact, jeno moves forward and introduces himself. renjun does the same and soon they're laughing about a joke jisung had told about mark.

 

"literally two minutes in and you're already ganging up against me." mark sighs, running a hand through his hair as he turns the music down.

 

donghyuck guffaws and throws his arm around mark's shoulders. there's a moment of pure laughter and happiness and peace and, for once, mark feels free from the tiredness of practice and pre-promotion preparation.

 

and, as jaemin and mark's eyes meet, the sun shines through the windows, refracting into warmth and comfort and _friendship_.

 

* * *

 

the dorm room is silent when the dreamies walk in.

 

at first, jisung thinks it's because it's nearly midnight and the neighbours will complain if they're too loud (again). but then jisung sees the way they all seem to hold each other, the way they look as if they're close to breaking, the way their eyes shine with the crystal shine of tears.

 

jeno doesn't have the heart to ask what's wrong, knowing full well that on this exact day every other year, the elders like to have their space. but the managers never seem to get that and the managers never seem to understand that the younger boys hate seeing their older brothers so broken.

 

later, when most of the members are fast asleep on the couch, chenle and renjun turn to the older chinese members. kun and sicheng share a look, lines drawn onto their foreheads as yukhei looks on, eyes diverting to the floor.

 

"there was a trainee here five years ago that was supposed to debut with us. he was thirteen back then." kun mutters in chinese, head down. renjun takes a mental note to tell the other dreamies of this when they wake up. "there was an accident before you came and he didn't make it to the hospital."

 

there's more to the story, renjun can tell, but he doesn't press on because he can see how distressed the elders are. yukhei looks close to tears, and sicheng is stiffer than stiff. kun's biting his lip as he speaks.

 

"today is the anniversary of that accident."

 

chenle whimpers and renjun pulls him close.

 

* * *

  

"you know, we still don't know who your hyung is."

 

jaemin looks up from his banana milk, flashing a smile as donghyuck, jeno and renjun take a seat at the table with him outside of the convenience store.

 

"like," donghyuck continues, "you were gonna meet your hyung at the company building, so which idol of ours is your hyung? i don't recall anyone with the last name 'noh' in sm."

 

jaemin hums, "do you want to know?"

 

donghyuck nods, taking a bite of the bread he'd brought with him. jeno rolls his eyes and mutters a small complaint about how nosy the vocalist is, earning a small punch on the shoulder.

 

jaemin smiles and replies in a teasing tone. "you'll just have to find out." he winks and renjun cringes.

 

"god, jaemin. you're so weird."

 

"i literally _breathed_."

 

* * *

 

  

"let's go somewhere."

 

mark looks up from his phone, staring at the younger with a small hint of curiosity in his eyes.

 

"where should we go?" chenle asks, taking his phone away from jisung's awaiting grasp.

 

"the roof." jaemin says, his eyes glazed over.

 

"let's watch the stars."

 

* * *

  

the sky is beautiful that night.

 

it's weird, mark thinks, that they used to do this with the hyungs all the time, but he doesn't remember it being this beautiful. doesn't remember how calming it is to watch the stars dance in the moonlight.

 

the stars make up various constellations and the moon glimmers in the darkness. there's a feeling of nostalgia and peace in the air and their hair is ruffled by the soft whistle of the wind.

 

the stars are bright and beautiful.

 

but mark thinks that no star shines brighter than the seven boys on the roof that night.

 

* * *

 

when they wake up, jaemin is gone.

 

there's no note, only the tell-tale whisper of a promise to meet again.

 

donghyuck groans as he stretches lethargically, bending his jean-clad legs. jeno and renjun are busy waking the youngest two when mark awakens himself.

 

the first thing the eldest does when he wakes is check his phone, staggering back at the sight of **55 missed calls** and **153 unread messages**. he curses quietly, running a hand through his hair. he huddles the boys together and rushes them off the roof, pushing them all into an empty practice room and texting taeyong where they are.

 

* * *

 

"do you have _any_ idea," taeyong shouts, "how _terrified_ i was?"

 

the elder is hysteric, eyes wide and angry yet still holding a sense of fear and worry and sadness. there's a trail of old tears on his cheeks and his lips are red from biting them in worry. his eyes shine with tears that well up in his eyelashes and threaten to fall at any given time.

 

"do you have any idea how worried i was?" taeyong gasps. "i waited all night for you to come back to the dorms, _i waited all night_! but you never did and i thought something happened to you- i- i thought you'd all gotten into an accident. i thought you were hurt or lost or- or-"

 

"tae, calm down," johnny mutters into the younger's ear, wrapping an arm around the younger's shoulders. the 127 leader chokes on a sob as he turns his face into the elder's chest.

 

jisung bites his wavering lip, feeling guilty for causing his hyung so much pain. they'd never seen the elder cry this much because of them, and it's so painful to see and hear. the sound of the scraping sobs escaping the elder's throat pulls at their heartstrings.

 

"you should've called," jaehyun mutters quietly, but loud enough for the kids to hear.

 

"i'm sorry hyung," mark says, head downcast. "i didn't mean to forget."

 

yuta sighs. "it's okay, mark. but please, please- call us next time." he sighs again and runs a hand through his hair. "go wash up, we have practice."

 

the six youngest nod their heads stiffly, hands clenched into fists as they fight back their own tears.

 

"i thought they were gone- i really thought, hyung." they hear taeyong say to taeil as they leave. "i thought they were gonna end up like- like _him_."

 

* * *

 

"tell us about your hyung."

 

jaemin rests his chin on the palm of his hand, humming slightly.

 

"well, my hyung isn't my real hyung. i don't have any siblings but we both auditioned and trained at the same time so he's family to me."

 

jaemin smiles, almost sadly.

 

"hyung is the strongest person i know. he's filial and compassionate and he's so hardworking and talented. before we were introduced to the public, i had to leave because of my back injury. hyung called me a lot and told me he was scared of being alone, but i was only thirteen- what kind of comfort could i bring? he struggled a lot back then too but he was resilient and he pulled through and now he's in a group with the most amazing people doing things around the world."

 

"your hyung sounds amazing."

 

"he is."

 

* * *

  

every once in a while, taeyong drifts off into mindless daydream.

 

like now, when he's watching tv. there's a commercial playing but taeyong can only seem to focus of the small chain that wraps itself around his wrist. the silver is getting small but he couldn't care less, he thinks as he stares at the name that glares back at him. he and the other ten shared the same bracelet- and taeyong was not going to let the last living memory of their lost brother go.

 

"hey, hyung." taeyong jumps out of his thoughts, eyes landing on jungwoo, who plops on the seat beside him.

 

" _his_ anniversary is coming up." taeyong mutters and jungwoo nuzzles into the elders shoulders. "should we visit him?"

 

* * *

 

on the third of february, the dorm is alive and awake before the sun touches the sky.

 

the elder hyungs are rushing around the dorm trying to get everyone ready before the managers come to pick them up. they're all rough and tired from lack of sleep but none of them complain, which is weird, jeno thinks, because they always complain about waking up early.

 

"where are we going, hyung?" chenle asks tiredly in poorly pronounced korean, rubbing at his eyes when the managers arrive and rush them into the cars.

 

"we're going to visit someone, baby." taeil says quietly, fastening the younger's seatbelt.

 

"who?"

 

"an old friend."

 

* * *

  

the drive to wherever they're going is only a short one, but donghyuck still manages to fall asleep during the car ride.

 

when he awakens, it's to the sound of the older members talking. 

 

"this is the first time since the funeral." he hears jaehyun say. "was it smart bringing the dreamies with us?"

 

"we're dropping them off at the company building before heading there. the kids- they don't know about nana. we still haven't told them the full story."

 

funeral? nana?

 

"i miss him."

 

"i know, baby, i know."

 

* * *

 

 

when the elders return to the studio, it's midday and the dreamies are getting ready to go out to eat.

 

they pass the convenience store and jeno swears he sees a flash of orange turn the corner. he's about to call out, ask if it's jaemin, but doyoung pulls him close and they continue on their way to the café nearby.

 

at the café, jisung orders a banana milkshake and, when he sips it, his mouth explodes in the fresh taste of fruit.

 

"hmm," he hums, excitedly, "now i know why jaemin-hyung drinks banana milk all the time."

 

jeno scoffs. "that's a milkshake, jaemin only ever drinks milk."

 

"it's still banana though. i'm pretty sure jaemin just likes banana." donghyuck interjects, taking a bite of his waffle.

 

"we should bring jaemin-hyung here next time," chenle chirps happily, "he'd love it here."

 

"yeah, we can-"

 

mark is interrupted by a loud clang as metal hits porcelain and he and the others look up to see all their hyungs staring at them with wide eyes.

 

"what-"

 

"we need to leave," taeil says harshly, eyes darting to the door, "come on, let's go."

 

the maknaes complain but comply, noticing the change in atmosphere as they bow their heads to the waitresses as a sign of gratitude.

 

from a few seats away, a boy sighs and sips at his banana milk, slipping his hands into the pocket of his orange hoodie and watching as seventeen boys cross the street.

 

* * *

 

"hyung, i don't understand. how- why- _what_?"

 

they're in the privacy of the kitchen, the youngest six in jisung and chenle's shared bedroom. there's an uproar of harsh breathing and questions and answers and people telling others to _calm down._

 

"yuta, relax. they probably ma-"

 

"no, hyung- they _knew._ you heard them- they said- they were talking about jaemin. and- they said his favourite drink was banana milk. it's the anniversary of his fucking _death_ hyung, there's no way-"

 

"yukhei, please, calm down. you'll make yourself sick."

 

"hyung," ten mutters quietly, playing with the silver chain on his wrist. "i- i think we should just ask them. we can't leave them in the dark forever. when- when we comeback as seventeen- people are gonna start trying to find out everything from debut days. they'll find out soon enough- we can't- we can't keep this from them."

 

"okay." taeyong sighs and the rest of the boys turn to look at him in shock.

 

it's the first thing he'd said since the situation in the café.

 

"we'll tell them about jaemin."

 

* * *

 

 

that night, they're on the roof.

 

the stars shine bright and the moon is full, radiating light onto the seventeen boys stargazing. they've brought their duvets and pillows up, burying themselves in the warmth of the makeshift bed.

 

jungwoo looks up, eyes focused on the stars as he pulls jeno closer to his side, "tell us about your jaemin."

 

and they do.

 

they tell them about how their jaemin was a trainee too but left before debut. tells them about how jaemin loves his non-biologically related brother more than he loves banana milk. tells them about how jaemin sees the good in every little thing. tells them about how their jaemin had eyes than shone brighter than the ones in the sky, that their jaemin had a smile that could rival the sun itself, that their jaemin was funny and smart and talented.

 

and, in return, the elders tell them about their jaemin.

 

they tell them about how their jaemin was a sneaky little shit that pulled pranks whenever he could. tells them about how jaemin flirted with anyone in sight. tells them about how jaemin was injured but hid it to the point where he had to get physio. tells them about how their jaemin was strong and happy and hardworking and _their little brother._

 

by the time they're done, everyone's crying. chenle muffles his cries with the back of his hands, burrowing his face into yukhei's chest. whether or not he feels the droplets falling onto his head is unknown.

 

"hey, why are you crying over silly old me, eh?"

 

* * *

 

na jaemin was only thirteen when he died. 

 

he'd been walking back to the dorms after his physical therapy session when he spotted the small convenience store tucked away in the streets of seoul. there had been a commotion at the sm building so he'd stopped for snacks and waited for the fansites to disperse.

 

he'd seen a kid walk out onto the street, not paying attention to the road- or, not being old enough to pay attention. he'd ran out into the road with a closed bottle of banana milk tucked into his orange hoodie's pocket, arms stretched out and legs taking big strides as he pushed the child out of the way of an upcoming car.

 

the news reports say that he'd died upon impact, that his face was too bloody to identify at the scene and so he had to be taken to hospital. the news reports didn't mention that the boy had eleven nervous brothers waiting at the dorms of one of the biggest entertainment companies in the country- didn't mention that the boy was supposed to be big, was supposed to debut and get everything he'd trained so hard for.

 

didn't mention that the boy was only thirteen, that the boy had so much more to live for.

 

* * *

 

 

"jaemin?"

 

there's a small commotion- the sound of duvets rustling and bodies hitting the cold floor before jaemin feels arms wrap around this head. normally, he wouldn't have been able to even touch them, but tonight's special, jaemin thinks.

 

"jaemin-ah?" it's taeyong, jaemin could recognise his voice from planets away. "jaemin, jaemin, _jaemin_."

 

jaemin breathes in, the smell of honey and baby powder and home and trust and comfort. "hyung," he begins, "i missed you."

 

and it's a bittersweet reunion, because jaemin's meeting old friends and new ones and it's like he's here with them all. they share stories and memories and jokes and it's almost like they've been together all this time and it's almost like jaemin never left. for once, their hearts feel full and at peace.

 

but jaemin looks pale and tired, his cheeks are sunken in and the area under his eyes are painted black and blue. he smiles, but not as much as they'd all seen him do before. his eyes still sparkle but it's dimmed.

 

"it's time for me to leave soon." he whispers, taking a slow, small sip of his milk.

 

it startles everyone, the sudden announcement. and the youngers are quick to complain, eyes wide and fearful of losing a friend and brother before they even had the chance to properly know him. mark is quick to hold jisung down when the youngest makes a move towards jaemin with tears streaming down his face, and renjun pulls chenle back before he does anything, pushing the younger into his chest for comfort.

 

but the elders understand.

 

jaehyun smiles sadly at the younger, moving forward to brush the brunet locks away from the younger's eyes. "you've waited a long time, right jaemin-ah?"

 

jaemin nods tiredly, eyes drooping as he leans back into yukhei's large figure. "i waited a long time for you to visit me, hyungs. i wanted to see you again so bad." he mutters. "did i do well?"

 

"oh baby," doyoung cries, "you did amazing. you sacrificed your life for the sake of another and i think that's the most amazing thing anyone could ever do. baby, you did so so so well."

 

"i'm glad," jaemin smiles tiredly, "i'm sorry hyungs."

 

"for what baby?" kun asks.

 

"leaving early, leaving you. i'm sorry."

 

"oh angel," taeyong gasps, "we love you, baby. so much, okay, don't apologise. it's no-one's fault."

 

"still, i'm sorry. i had to watch you all cry so much over the past few years. it hurt to know i couldn't comfort you because you couldn't even see me. i'm sorry, hyungs, for being the cause of that. i love you all- i really really do." a tear slips from his eye, sparkling in the light as his hand grips ten's tightly,

 

"and mark-hyung, junnie, jeno, hyuck, lele, sung- i'm sorry i can't be around any more. i held out as long as i could, i promise. the time i spent with you guys was the most fun i've had in so long so, thank you. so much. i love you all and i'll be watching from up there, okay?"

 

the last part comes out slow, almost like a whisper, and the boys can see how jaemin begins drifting away.

 

"it's okay, minnie," mark ruffles the boys hair, "rest now. we'll meet again soon."

 

jaemin smiles, eyes slipping closed. "promise?"

 

"promise."

 

and the last thing na jaemin sees is the moon and the stars and the thousands of constellations they make up and the seventeen faces of the boys who've become his new days.

 

* * *

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> [say hi!](https://twitter.com/jiskies)


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